For lack of a better title. This weekend was strange.
The struggles that the Wheelz home are facing seem to be coming full force and the stress of them is starting to take a toll. As a result, I had a massive nervous breakdown by the time Steve got home from work Saturday afternoon. What was supposed to be a fun afternoon of going to the city pool for its last day of the summer turned into me just needing to get away. I knew it was wrong, but I just needed to go.
With no direction. No purpose. No destination. No clue.
I know, shame on me. But I grew up with a mom in her bedroom crying pretty much all day every day and I just can't let my kids grow up with that same memory. Knowing that I was losing it, I felt it better to get out of the house. Luckily, Steve was somewhat willing (although he didn't really have a choice) to let me go. He gave me two hours to just be gone. I drove past the huge water slide downtown Grand Rapids. I drove out to the mall and looked for shirts for Noah for school. I wandered around the brand new Meijers in a bad part of the city.
Pretty much a big waste of time.
Eventually, Steve did call me to see when I was coming home and when I did, I arrived home to the garage FINALLY cleaned out. One of the MANY things that set me over the edge was the messes that the boys are constantly making, getting into things they have no business touching and destroying tings that they shouldn't be anywhere near. The garage was a big part of the final straw.
I can't say I was in a hugely better mood, but I did manage to make a pretty good ham dinner, which made things feel better. And we did watch the first half of a family movie before putting the kids to bed.
By that point, I pretty much collapsed too. Emotionally drained and still just as panicked about our situation as I was before.
So Sunday morning dawned and it was time to go to church. I was really thankful that our new church makes me excited to worship and it may have been the saving grace. I was still pretty much a mess Sunday morning, but at the same time, I was hopeful that SOMETHING would speak to me while we were at church. As a matter of fact, all the way to church, that was my silent prayer. "Lord, please speak to me this morning. Please show me something at church today that will let me know that everything might be okay."
Surprisingly enough, He answered this prayer. The music of the morning was awesome. All songs from the radio that spoke directly to my heart. Steve didn't bat an eye when the tears started falling while I was singing my heart out. That's another nice thing about an auditorium type of church. No one sees you if you don't want to be seen. I even came home and had Steve make one of them my ringtone on my new phone (Thank you Linux). I figured at that point I was done learning for the morning. Silly me. The messages at this church are always awesome but this one really spoke to me. My feelings of loneliness and heartbreak were spoken to with hope.
Not sure how I'm going to act on what I came away with yesterday. I love that after church each week, I have something concrete to share with the boys about what I learned in church that morning, which is what we did over lunch. And then, Steve remembered the verse from the morning and we talked about it again during family devotionals last night.
Is the situation that has got me panicked any better? No. I'm I any less worried? No. Am I doing a better job dealing with it today? So far, yes. That's all I can do. Live it One Day at a Time and remember that how I portray myself to my children is what they will remember. I've only got one chance to get this right. They don't need to be exposed to our adult problems. At least not unless they HAVE to.
On the bright side, Sunday afternoon, we did manage to pack the bikes up and take our second family bike ride on the Kent Trails. This may become a Sunday tradition for quite awhile. Thankful for family time for sure.
Have a great week.