Monday, December 14, 2009

So Many Questions

That's what I have.

Things aren't as simple as just walking away from ten years of my life and not looking back. The relationships formed cannot all just be severed. Nor does one REALLY want them to be. I wasn't sure which I would have preferred. Tons of good byes and tears, or just to not be noticed and fade into oblivion. I'm still not sure which is best because we seem to be caught somewhere in between.

The day I told the bells that I wouldn't be back, the youth members were a bawling mess and the adults just smiled and said, "See ya". I was so hurt because it made me open my eyes and question what kind of relationships these really were. Were these people my friends? Did they care an inkling about the work I had put into to creating this program and teaching them? Were they just in shock, as was suggested to me by a couple of people? The woman that started this entire mess joined right back into the bell choir the week after I left, making it very clear that she was just waiting for me to get out of her way so she could stake her claim again. I seem to be bubbling over in resentment, even though I don't want to be. How is it that after all I have done, I have to walk away with my tail between my legs and she gets to come out on top as a superstar? Should I really care or should I just be relieved that we are free to take our family somewhere where our children are accepted. And what about the calls and emails we are getting from the other members of the church whom we have shared so much love and who have loved us for the last ten years? What do we say to them? What was the right way to handle this if this wasn't it?

Jesus teaches us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. I have been desperately trying to pray for her and the other clique members who drove us away. But I'm not sure I have done so with my whole heart. I keep thinking that why should I pray for her when she was the one who came out smelling like roses and is free to stay at the church and hurt others again. I almost feel like I am being punished by my faith since I feel like I have to pray for her but who's praying for me?

If you have never face these type of questions, then you are probably thinking I am the worst person in the world. But if you are, please let me know. It would be nice to know that I am not alone in this struggle.

I am also very tired of the wallowing. I want to move on. I NEED to move on. So many people have REAL problems and this seems so petty. As a matter of fact, WE have REAL problems that need to be dealt with and I have been ignoring them because I have been so busy wasting all of my energy on being hurt and angry. Pretty dumb, huh?

Every time I think I have officially let go, we get one more email or one more phone call from someone and it's just making it more and more drawn out. Two of my piano students are members of the bell choir so there really is no way to completely sever ties. It is very hard to not ask, "How are things going?"

The kids have started asking when we are going to start looking for another church. I don't know how to answer. I can't imagine starting over again. Walking into a church where everyone knows everyone else and feeling like the outsider trying to fit in. And also the fear of becoming one of a new church body, only to be hurt again. Have I learned enough from this experience yet for it to make me a better person? What went wrong to make me so screwed up? What can I do to help my boys escape the same fate?

So, enough of this wallowing post that most of you have already stopped reading. This is one of those self-reflective, just get it out in words so it's not swimming around in my head posts anyway.

I do have some fun posts for the week, I promise. I have pictures to share from my family Christmas this weekend and also quite a few crafts that we've made over the last couple of weeks. Hope you are having a great Monday.


Stacey,momof 2 said...

I feel so much like you -- although my issues are with my Dad... and I don't know how to "be"...
He is very vocal to many in our family and the truth that he tells is not true. I keep praying that everyone realizes that he is not speaking truthfully, --
Part of my issues are jealousy, and hurt for what I think is my due.
It's hard to let go, when behind you is stuff you still value!
I am sending you a hug! and prayers

Anonymous said...

It's hard to start over, there's no question about it. You did what was right for your family, don't question that. Things will happen when they are supposed to. It may not be easy to see right now, but this was all for the best.

Jen said...

you arent alone girl

bethn said...

We went through the same thing when we moved to Holy Cross. OUr problem was that Mark didn't want to leave. But I couldn't stay at a church where the Pastor didn't want my kids in church and yet there was no money to pay for nursery. I found the right church totally by accident. And now we're happier than we ever were before.
My advice, just pick a church and go. The first time is the hardest. We found ours by picking a church that had tons of kids programs and our first time going was to a special kid service. You'll know when it's right when you find it.
You are in our hearts and prayers.